why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
