well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
