I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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