I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
