i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
