you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
