dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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