Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
smell my finger.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
