But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
