His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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