I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
