im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
