1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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