Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
