The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
