I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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