No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
