I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
