I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
this just has baby written all over it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
