Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
