I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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