you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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