This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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