I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
