evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
