I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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