I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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