im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
