I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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