I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
