pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
