I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
