guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
