you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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