just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
