Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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