I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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