you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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