he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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