How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
