Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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