Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
