She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I party with great urgency now.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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