the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
