thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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