dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
