i wish peter jackson would direct porn
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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