I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
