I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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