Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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